Sincerity
by 478
Summary: She handed Steve the file and walked away with a coy mask on her face. She would never tell him that she too, had searched for Bucky at a time. She also wouldn't mention that she was going to try again.


xXx Natasha had originally planned on moving from place to place, "building a cover" for herself, and eventually grow roots somewhere. She wanted to believe that the file she handed Steve had nothing to do with where she went. But it did. It mattered a whole lot. Before SHIELD, back when she wasn't a "hero", she too, had searched for Barnes. She knew him by a different name, granted, but it was still the same person. Back when anger was the only thing she felt, when rage fueled her to keep going, and the desire for revenge ate at her; she had hunted the Winter Soldier. Now, she reminded herself, that she was searching for Barnes. She calls in favors that have been long overdue, knowing that Stark could, and would help, but this was not something she wanted him to get involved in. It wasn't her place to even be searching for Steve's right hand man, it felt like she had no right, to have interest in finding someone who had wanted her dead (granted it was an order) and she had also wanted dead (granted it was not an order). Natasha twisted the handle of apartment number 478, quietly stepping in and quickly closing the door. The inside was nothing that looked out of the ordinary, but she knew that under the homey and comfortable appearance was the residency of a trained killer. She knew better than to walk around much, so she sat at a small round wooden table in the kitchen, waiting to be noticed instead of searching for the owner. Faintly soft jazz was playing in the background, something she smiled at. The calm stillness of the apartment was inviting, with well lit spaces, decorations from many cultures, and even some framed photos. She was gazing the opposite way when she heard a voice come out from behind her. "I'd ask how you knew that I'd escaped Red and where to find me, but in all reality, I don't wanna know" It was a firm voice, much like Natasha's only more matter-of-fact, attempting to mask the surprise. Natasha looked over. Lorraine Baker was leaning on the other chair, giving Natasha a look that said 'really?', not even trying to hide the fact that she had a gun in her hand. She looked the same as Natasha had last seen her; with the same blonde hair wrapped into the same simple bun and the same coffee eyes that could lie without trying. The glasses were different though, bolder now, as well as the coy elegant demeanor. Lori may have been a few years younger, but everything about her screamed that she had an old soul. One that had been beaten down as much as Natasha's. "I need help" Natasha admitted. "I got that from the fact that you chose to break into my home instead of simply, I dunno, calling" Lori had a smug smile on her face, still sarcastic as ever. She didn't have time for this though. "Lori-" "What do you need, Sistah?" "I'm looking for a man." "Dangerous?" "Not more than anyone we've had the pleasure of meeting." "I'll take that as a 'yes'" said Lori, sauntering over to her desk and flipping open her laptop. Lori set the gun down on her left. She started typing away and brought up and blank screen. "This man have a name?" "He used too" "Gimme whatever you know" Natasha paused for a bit, flashes of facts and information racing through her head, Lori's voice bringing her back to reality. "We've all switched names Tasha. Multiple times. I've done it, you've done it, it can't be any different with him. Names don't matter unless we let them, so just give me what you know." "James Buchanan Barnes; Bucky; The Winter Soldier" Lori looked at her, straight at her eyes, with a soul splitting look that asked questions as well as demonstrated concern, surprise, and recognition. Natasha continued. "Look I don't have time for judgement I need to find-" "You'll find him in New York" "Thanks, Genius the file already told me that." "Did I say I was done? If what I've heard about him is true, the memory wiping only lasts for a few days, then memories start flooding back. It can happen even faster if triggered by something that's supposed to be "forgotten". He's still all there, just hidden under layers and layers of-" she searched for a word, "treatment" "So what you're saying is that he'll remember everything." "Unfortunately, yes. Everything." Lori gave Natasha a pointed look that emphasised her point. "Here" she said handing Natasha a USB drive. "This is all the info I got from all of those three names, from start to finish". Lori got up, as Natasha turned to leave. But a question stopped her from turning the door handle. "When did you decide to leave?" "Huh?" Lori made a unintelligent noise. "When did you decide to leave the Red Room? I mean, I was given a second chance, but you had no cover, no back-up plan, no side to run to." "I left about a year after you did. And to answer your question, I did switch sides. I switched to my own." Lori had a somber look on her face, a foreign calm to Natasha. "I mean you could be living it up, hacking your way through life, living it big, but you're not." "I am living it up. I'm not being barked orders, or held back by a leash. I'm living on my own terms for the first time Tasha." With that, Natasha had gotten everything she wanted. "Don't die while I'm gone" she made the statement as she walked out the door and faintly heard the "Made it this far, haven't I?" xXx A week after that encounter, Natasha got a whiff of Barnes' trail. A week later, she saw him for the first time, the instilled training he exhibited allowed him to avoid all cameras. He didn't want to be found. Not yet. Natasha remembers how it felt when she first joined SHIELD. She had never felt remorse, she had been taught that remorse, regret, sorrow and shame, would ruin you and thus they were weak emotions not to be felt. Emotions in general, unless it was anger, were not to be felt. They were right about the fact that guilt could end you. They were wrong in everything else. Guilt and shame could eat at you, only if you didn't deal with them. The only way out of that dark pit is to accept what you've done, and decide what you are going to do so that you don't feel that anymore. Joining SHIELD, had been her first foothold out of hell. She didn't realize until now, that it wasn't SHIELD that had shed a light on the first step up, but rather certain people. And for that she owed them with her life. Barnes was doing the same she had. Wallowing in remorse at everything he was remembering he had done; and though he may not have done it all consciously, he was still the one who pulled the trigger. She knew how hard it was to stomach actions that made you sick. A week later, she decided that it was time to join the boys. Steve and Sam resided mostly at the tower, Steve not trusting anything he didn't know after his apartment had been bugged. She strolled into the tower, knowing that JARVIS wouldn't announce her away until she gave the go-ahead. She took the elevator directly to Steve's floor; fifteen floors up, as all the team's floors were the upper levels. She stepped out of the elevator, into the small expanse between there and the door. Natasha knocked twice, firmly with intent, something that shouldn't be taken for granted, due to the fact that she could have well broken in the way she had at Lori's place. But this was Steve. And Steve trusted her. He may even consider her a friend. And friends don't break into each other's apartments. Sam opened the door, with a welcoming bright smile. "Haven't seen you in a while." "I wonder if Cap's long lost lover said that to him" she called out loud enough for Steve to hear. "She didn't" he replied "She told me I was late". His small smile covered none of the pain in that sentence, and neither did his next sentence. "Find a cover yet?" "Working on it" not a complete lie, she told herself. "Well then what's this right now" Sam spoke, from behind a counter, not stopping his typing at a laptop. "A new look. I call it "искренность". She responded. "But that's not why I'm here" Both men stopped to look up from their research, and face her. Natasha took the USB drive she had hanging around her neck and tossed it to Steve. "I know where he is." She continued talking as Steve shakily grasped at the drive and plugged it into his computer. "That drive has everything I could gather about him. From start to now. I've sorted it already, so that the first few things should be where he is. Good luck." She turned to leave but Steve's voice stopped her. "Help us find him." "The blind can't lead the blind, Steve" and she left. xXx Natasha stays at the tower as Steve and Sam bring Bucky in. She doesn't leave her floor when they all get back, doesn't leave her floor to "meet" him or too check up on how he is. She gives it a week before she starts roaming the tower freely, not avoiding Barnes, and not trying to find him either. It isn't until three days later on an early cloudy morning that she sees him. She doesn't hear him walk in; Steve walking in behind him signals his presence. She looks over, as she sits at the counter, drinking coffee from a plain cup. Steve walks over and starts pulling food out of the cabinet, while Barnes just grabs a cup of coffee and sits next to Natasha, leaving a seat for Steve next to him. Barnes doesn't speak until Steve is sitting down. "Hi, I'm James Buchanan Barnes, but you can just call me Bucky." "We've met before" she didn't mean for it to sound so cutting. "I know" he kept going "we both went by different names then" "I'll reintroduce myself then. I'm Natasha Romanoff. It's just Natasha" "Never thought I'd see a familiar face from my past." "Neither did I, Bucky, neither did I." She said as she grabbed her coffee and walked outside, a small smile, too large for her expressions, gracing her face at the thought that maybe, just maybe it was time to make some trusted friends. 


End file.
